I recently had a question from someone who was concerned because a potential Dom was making her uncomfortable. She felt like because she wasn’t experienced and not sure of how this whole D/s thing is “supposed” to go, that she was being overly concerned when this “Dom” was doing nothing more than talking about sex and being evasive when it came to her questions about how things would go between then. The information shared with me is what leads me to want to remind you all that ANYONE on the internet can call himself a Dom. Any guy with grandiose fantasies of controlling a woman can simply get on the internet and prey on unsuspecting newbie subs and portray himself to be an experienced Dominant. It really is that simple.
To that I say, you need to be smart. You should screen a Dom the same way you would any other potential mate. As basic as it seems, it really is that simple. There are no special rules for someone because they call themselves a Dom. Before you enter into a relationship, you are both two people getting to know each other. You don’t owe a random stranger on the internet ANYTHING! You deserve to be respected and have questions and concerns addressed. If any guy says, “I don’t have to tell you because I’m in control” or “I’ll tell you when I feel like it” then he’s just playing games and you need to keep going. An experienced, caring, REAL Dom is going to make sure you are on the same page regarding what you want and need and will be clear and honest about expectations along the way. A real Dom is a guide while a fake is nothing more than someone wanting to bark commands without any level of accountability.
So again, if you are looking for friendship, respect, openness, and honesty to go with your kink then you need to seek out those qualities. You shouldn’t just go with whatever some loser on the internet throws at you. Just because you are a submissive doesn’t mean you should have standards. Protect yourself from predators and seek out the positive qualities that you would want in ANY relationship. Kink is important but it’s not the major focus if you want a substantial relationship.
Anonymous said: Hey Ivy, I have a question regarding safe words, especially after reading your last bit of "Halfway there." Do you think safe words always work/ should be the only way to stop a scene? I ask this because I get really REALLY spacey to the point sometimes I don't remember what I say. I've never played a scene as intense as the ones you're describing, but I worry that if I did, I wouldn't even be coherent enough to think of my safe word and say it. So what do you think is the line there?
So, safe words DON’T always work and shouldn’t be the only way to stop a scene. One reason that Flint and other partners (Sir, Daddy, etc) I’ve had ask me for my safe words during a scene is to make sure I’m still capable of using them.
Flint and I did a thing recently and I got kind of incoherent. He asked what my safe words were and I kind of provided a sort of jumbled “wub-wub-wuh” as an answer. So, he ended the scene because I wasn’t able to provide the safe words.
Another thing I’ve had partners, including Flint, do is ask me to repeat my words to them and then specifically ask after I’ve successfully provided them, “would you like to use one of them?” If I say one of them, they adjust accordingly. If I say a definitive “no, keep going,” they do. If I say anything along the lines of “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure,” they stop the scene. Because consent is that important and should never be ambiguous.
I had a conversation with a cop last night about how they perceive BDSM practices and what you should do if the cops come calling at your door because a neighbor has complained about ‘Loud Noises’ coming from your home. Here is what he told me:
If a cop comes to your door from a noise complaint, and you are in the middle of a BDSM scene, the first thing you need to understand is what the cops are going to be looking for and what kind of action they may take on questioning you. Be HONEST with the cops, tell them that you are engaged in sexual activity and that it is consensual. Both partners should be talking directly to the cop, but if the cop notices the female looking towards her partner before answering questions, this would be taken as a red flag and a sign of potential abuse. So you must break all of your D/s expectations during this conversation. Some Dominants may have rules for their submissive about talking to other men, making eye contact with other men etc… But when dealing with the police at your door, these rules need to be suspended. You should acting like any other vanilla couple that are simply engaging in some kinky sexual practices.
The Cops will most likely separate both partners for questioning, asking what is going on, but paying special attention to the female partner, asking her questions such as; are you here against your will? Are you being hurt? Do you wish to leave? The female needs to make it clear that they are NOT being hurt and are simply taking part in adult sexual activity that IS consensual. They may also ask to come in and have a look around to satisfy themselves that all is well. So be prepared to discretely conceal any whips, floggers, knives etc before opening the door. Providing that the accounts of what is going on they get from both partners match, then the cops will most likely just ask you to keep the noise levels down and be out of your hair quickly. They have much more pressing issues to deal with than interrupting two consenting adults from enjoying themselves in the privacy of their own home.
When I asked the Cop about what would happen if the couple were participating in edge play such as blood play, and the female was bleeding from an inflicted wound, then his answer was loud and clear. The person that inflicted the wound, whether inflicted consensually or not, would be going to jail that night. The law makes no allowances for consensually allowing yourself to be cut, beaten, whipped, flogged etc. The cop gave me this example… If I was called to a fight outside a bar, and a guy was getting beat on by another, but he tried to tell me that they were ‘ALLOWING’ the other to hit them for some reason, it would make no difference to my interpretation of the law. One was being beaten by the other which is against the law. Whether consent was present or not, the aggressor would be locked up.
In this context, we as BDSM practitioners must be very aware of what we do even in the privacy of our own homes. Understand that there can & will be consequences if the Cops see cuts or bruises on one of the partners during questioning. Talk about it together as a couple, take precautions to ensure that neighbors are not given cause to get involved and call the cops for unusual noises.
Play safe & educate yourself.
Note on Re-Blogging: make sure to re-blog as text if you want the full content of the list to appear!
- Fetlife (Facebook for Kinksters)
- Informed Consent (UK)
- Datenschlag (DE)
- Submissive Guide
- Lord Morpheous - author, sex-educator, photographer
- Two Knotty Boys - rope bondage educators, authors.
- Midori - educator and columnist on adventurous sexuality.
- Fred Kyrel aka ShibariK - French Fetish photographer.
- House of Tanos - BDSM blog, Master/slave.
- Shibaricon- large rope bondage convention in Chicago.
- BDSM Identities - My own post on
- Darr_Syn’s Post Dump - Collection of posts by /r/BDSMcommunity’s Darr Syn.
- BDSM for Nice Guys - be a nice guy and a Dom.
- Restrained Elegance - slave position lexicon (nice pictures).
- BDSM-Chicago Tutorials - collection of tutorials.
- NLA Columbus SM101 - intro to SM by NLA Columbus.
- Bondage on a Buck - tutorials, homemade toys.
- DIY Tutorial Collection
- Leathercrafting Blog - leather, howto’s
- Make a Bullwhip
- Nylon Whip - Part 1
- Nylon Whip - Part 2
- Duct Tape Flogger
- DIY Velcro WristCuffs
- Be Knotty - Wiki
- How to Tie a Karada
- Rope & Knots
- Animated Knots
- Shibari Nation Tutorial on Rope
- Wiki Article on Shibari
- KinkAcademy - Free Video’s (paysite)
- Pleasure Shop Collection - free, short.
- Whip Making Tutorial 1
- Whip Making Tutorial 2
- "How to Be Kinky: A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM"
- "How to Be Kinkier: More Adventures in Adult Playtime"
- "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism"
- "The New Topping Book"
- "The New Bottoming Book"
- "The Better Built Bondage Book: A Complete Guide to Making Your Own Sex Toys, Furniture and BDSM Equipment"
- "On the Safe Edge: A Manual for SM Play"
- "Sm 101: A Realistic Introduction"
- "When Someone You Love is Kinky"
- "Rope Bondage 101" - Free PDF via kinkfriendly.com
- "A guide for rope bottoms and bondage models." - Free PDF via rope-topia.com
- "Esinem Style Takate-Kote" - Free PDF via esinem.com
- "Complete Shibari Volume 1: Land"
- "Complete Shibari Volume 2: Sky"
- "Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes: A Step-by-Step, Illustrated Guide for Tying Sensual and Decorative Rope Bondage"
- "Two Knotty Boys Back on the Ropes"
- "Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage and Erotic Macramé"
- "Bondage For Sex"
- DHGate - cheap, low quality
- Discount BDSM Gear - cheaper, okay quality
- HalfwayCreations - leather, high quality
- Mr S Leather - various, high quality
- Fetish Jewelry - jewelry
- Tandy Leather Factory - leather, leather working supplies
- StockRoom - expensive, high quality, various
- NorthBound Leather - expensive, high quality, leather
- Paddles Of Distinction - expensive, high quality paddles
- Bound to Please - bondage supplies
- Beautiful Bondage - bondage supplies
- Freak Clubwear - clothing, toys
- Jack’s Floggers - impact toys
- EMT Shears
- Aja Rope - hemp, MFP, paracord
- Beautiful Bondage (UK) - hemp, synthetic hemp, cotton, accessories, bulk orders
- BindMe.nl (NL) - hemp, jute
- Boss Bondage - hemp, accessories
- Erin Houdini - nylon specialist, UV reactive colors
- Esinem (UK) - hemp, jute, linen
- HandmadeRope (CA) - variety of handmade rope
- HempTraders - raw hemp
- Jade Rope (UK)(US) - variety of natural and synthetic fibers, accessories
- Jakara Shibari (UK) - jute specialist
- Jaoman (CA) - hemp
- KinkyRopes - specialty ropes, jute, flax, hemp, rope toys
- KnottyBound - hemp, jute, bamboo, bulk orders
- Madame Butterfly - silk specialist
- Maui Kink - hemp, jute, variety of exotic natural fibers, accessories, bulk orders
- McHurt (DE) - hemp, general bdsm
- Naturally Twisted (AU) - jute, accessories
- Omega Jute - jute
- Ouchy (NL) - hemp, jute, synthetic hemp
- Rawganique - raw hemp, hemp products
- Renaissance Rope - hemp, jute, bamboo
- Rope Extremes - hemp, MFP, nylon, synthetic hemp, paracord
- Shibari Ropes - hemp, jute, suspension rings
- TwistedMonk - hemp, accessories
- Venus Ropes - hemp, MFP, nylon, accessories
- Vintage Rope - hemp, cotton, MFP, accessories
- KinkForKindle - Free Kink Ebooks
- "Nana to Kaoru" - Cute BDSM Manga
- Sysmtoys - games, toys, ideas
- Tentacle BDSM Chair - yup
- Cherise Sinclair - Great BDSM Fiction Writer
bdsmgeek prepared this amazingly helpful guide to BDSM. I really, really appreciate it when bloggers take out the time to compile helpful guides and research tools for newcomers to the lifestyle. From personal experience and observing it at live events, I will say that BDSM done incorrectly can be very painful. But when it’s done right, it looks absolutely amazing. Please do the right research and practice before you try this out in the bedroom!
SCC was birthed out of wanting to create community and share ideas with other submissives. Not all of us have the ability to connect with others subs face to face. Tumblr becomes our community. SCC is a way to connect and share, spending time reflecting on similar themes, starting conversations, making new friends.
Anyone is free to participate, just tag your post with #sccwriting. Prompts are posted on Tuesdays and Friday if you’d like to use those to guide your writing, but you can share anything with us by using the #sccwriting tag.
I stumbled across this blog, and thought it might prove helpful for those of you who are trying to connect with other submissives, and also to share your own thoughts.
I wanted to write a little note to let you all know that this blog has been and will continue to only be semi-active. I’m still the only one running it, and between running my own blog and living my own life, I don’t have the time, energy, or focus to dedicate to this blog on a constant basis. It makes me very sad to say that, but I feel it’s important to be honest.
Since I won’t be around often to take questions, I will be adding a links page for lots of helpful resources and other blogs that offer great advice, and I will blog when I can.
Best of luck to you all on your journeys :).